A deep dive into what makes us tick and what we've learned over the last 13 years...

So let’s address this straight out the gate. Are Ghouls human? In my opinion, yes. Ghoul power. I kissed a Ghoul and I liked it. Etc. But for the sake of semantics, we’re considering them as non-humans because it keeps the blog title from being unwieldy. And this whole blog was inspired by Walton Goggins’ character The Ghoul from the Fallout TV show, so it would be foolish if we didn’t include ghouls in the list. Foolish! But they won’t all be ghouls, because there are a huge amount of cute characters in Fallout who aren’t human. Don’t believe me? Read on. And no, Dogmeat isn’t going to be on the list even though he is very cute in a pet dog way. But he’s an animal. 

Anyway, without further ado…

10: That Radroach you encounter near the start of Fallout 3 (Fallout 3)

There is a Radroach in Vault 101 in Fallout 3. It is the first enemy you encounter in the game, before you even leave the vault, and all you have to kill it is a BB gun. In fact, this Radroach is the only enemy in Fallout 3 that you have to kill in order to beat the game. In that sense, you could say that it is your soulmate, your OTP, the most important ‘ship in the Fallout franchise, or at least its Washington chapter. While the Lone Wanderer dating a giant cockroach might seem weird, it’s important to know that in the world of Fallout, Radroaches are actually the most intelligent species, with advanced problem solving skills and an emotional spectrum that far exceeds that of humanity. Unfortunately, nobody in the wasteland knows this because they kill them on sight. That is why we consider Tutorial Radroach to be one of the cutest characters in the franchise. 

9: Curie (Fallout 4) 

This adorable ball is the perfect partners; loyal, robotic, gently floating through the air. She is perfect, and perfectly non-human, and nothing can change that or take that away from us. She is totally happy in her robot body, and has no desire to become a synth that you can actually romance. Just kidding. We all know Curie becomes human-looking if you follow her questline, and that’s why she’s not higher on this list. Why she chose to give up a wonderfully spherical body to look like a human woman is beyond us. But it’s fine, we still have…

8: Codsworth (Fallout 4)

Codsworth is the bot with the lot; a sleek gunmetal tint, the disposition of a British butler, and the courage to stay in robot form for the entire game. He also looks a bit like that terrifying droid from the first Star Wars movie that they use to torture Princess Leia, crossed with that terrifying droid from the second Star Wars movie that they use to spy on the Hoth base. But Codsworth is nicer than both of those droids, and would make for a lovely partner for the right robot. There is probably a lot of fan art of Codsworth x Curie, and also Codsworth x Wheatley from Portal 2. 

7: Fawkes (Fallout 3) 

Not only is Fawkes jaw-droppingly attractive, he’s also a smart and sensitive super mutant with whom you can share your deepest thoughts and feelings. He’ll provide a shoulder to cry on even as he’s thrusting his fist through a raider’s chest cavity. The biggest downside to palling around with Fawkes is that his large stature often causes him to block doors; we got trapped in our house more than once thanks to this gentle giant. But when you’re hanging out with Fawkes, who really minds being trapped indoors? He’s so well-read and cultured that you’ll never run out of things to talk about. 

6: Wanamingo Queen (Fallout 2)

Ever looked at the xenomorphs from Alien and gone ‘man, they would be so hot if they didn’t have bodies, and were just those weird heads with limbs’? Well someone in the Wasteland apparently did, which is why we have Wanamingos. What are they? Who knows. They’re weird brown alien things with flailing limbs and huge jaws. And they have a queen, who is bigger and silver. She may not be the most conventionally attractive monarch on the block, but what she lacks in looks she makes up for in presence. It takes a lot of skill and talent to be the queen of an inexplicable species in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and Wanamingo Queen pulls it off with class and grace.

 5: Fisto (Fallout: New Vegas)

This former Protectotron turned uh, robot escort takes ‘Protect and serve!’ to a whole new level. He’s a sensitive lover who’ll meet your every need, providing a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, or soft warm hands to embrace you in those cold Mojave nights. As long as you have 10 caps to pay for his services, of course. Fisto might not be the forever partner you’re looking for, but as you travel the wasteland going about your business, dropping into the Atomic Wrangler Casino for some good old Fisto loving can never go amiss. After all, he is programmed for your pleasure. Note: Not to be confused with Fisto!, a very different and much less romantic fist. 

4: Tabitha (Fallout: New Vegas)

Tabitha is the closest thing the Mojave wasteland has to a supermodel. With her gorgeous blonde locks and the way she rocks her heart-shaped glasses, she’s sure to capture the love of any lonely Courier. As the host of a show at Black Mountain, she may have a face for radio, but she’s got a body to die for, especially if you aggro her. As one of the few surviving Nightkin, Tabitha is a rare breed among super mutants; a strong woman who won’t suffer no fools, who fights for her kin and ensures freedom for the super mutant community. There are few folk in the post-apocalypse who can rival Tabitha, and we’d love to see her and Fawkes meet up and live happily ever after. 

3: Hancock (Fallout 4)

Finally, there’s a Ghoul on this list. The problem is, if I’d included all the hot Ghouls, that’s all we’d be talking about. We all know how people are reacting to Welding Goggles. But I couldn’t fail to mention Hancock, the Ghoul GOAT. Hancock’s been through so much; an anti-Ghoul racist mayor brother, drug addiction, crime and murder. But despite all this, the friendly good neighbor of Goodneighbor will have your back no matter what. You’d be lucky to have a husband like John Hancock. Walton Goggins might be the current ghoul-du-jour, but Hancock will always have our hearts. 

2: Nick Valentine (Fallout 4)

Two Fourlout characters in a row, but it stands to reason that the more advanced the games get, the cuter the characters are, and you don’t get much cuter than the synthetic heartthrob Nick Valentine. Like others on the list, he isn’t romanceable in the game, but I’m sure there are mods for that. And fanfiction. Oh, the fanfiction. It’s not hard to understand why people lust over Nicky. He’s a Terminator-looking synth who runs his own freaking detective agency, and you don’t get much cooler than that. Despite his surname he’s not really interested in love, so he plays permanently hard to get, which we all know is the best kind of romantic partner; someone who’ll never want you. Nick Valentine might not fall in love with you, but if you die in mysterious circumstances then he’ll investigate, and probably solve, your murder, because he’s a world class detective. What more could you ask for? 

1: The Master (Fallout) 

No list of cute Fallout characters would be complete without The Master of the Super Mutants. He’s a hybrid mashup of a bunch of different humans and mutants, hell bent on creating a new race for humanity. Officially he’s a posthuman cybernetic FEV mutant with psychic powers, and wow, weak at the knees or what? He’s also a stunningly beautiful specimen, swathes of melting flesh gripping a command chair. We guarantee you’ll never meet a man quite like the Master. Or a bunch of men/mutants/whatever quite like the Master. He might be a megalomaniac of questionable morality, but you can guarantee he’ll make for a good partner, since he controls an army of mutants and holds the wasteland in his iron grip. 

And there we go. Who’s your wasteland bae? Let us know by shooting a message to the Creeperhost X (or Twitter) @CreeperHost or simply drop by to say hello.

PS. I was going to include Mr. House but I’m not sure if he counts as non-human. 

PPS. Yes, 'Fourlout' is canon.


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